Grateful...

The last two days have been somewhat stressful and deeply emotional for me. It is never easy to look at your past, to listen to it speak to you, to know without a doubt that there can be no future in it, especially not like this...

I almost had a damn emotional relapse because of it...but I have some wonderful people in my life. Who build me up instead of bringing me down. Who listen and don't judge. Who love the person I am too much to allow me to return to the shell of me I was. And when I needed them, for the past two days, every single one has come through for me.

One such beautiful person advised me to write down everything I am grateful for in my life. He told me that it would be great for my energy, and I know it would be great to have as a reminder, as I feel that my dark days have not yet ended.

I am grateful to be alive, as my life is a moving, changing, breathing thing. It is wonderful and every day I am blessed to wake up to it. My words when I first wake up and when I finally go to sleep are always "Thank you".

I am grateful that I did not give up on dreaming. There were times when, as a coping mechanism, I lived in my dreams, because it would always be exactly as I wanted there, full of love, interesting people, and I would be in control of my path. It is because of this that my waking life is so full right now. I decided that there is truth in my dreams, and that there is no reason why some of it should stay there - especially when so much is possible in my real life.

I am grateful for the women in my life. I thought for a while that I was all alone - then realized that I was isolating myself. These women took it upon themselves to pull me out of the prison I was making for myself, to show me love - the tough kind, the real kind. To push me out of my comfort zone, stand me in front of the mirror, and say "see? what's not to love about this? do you know how beautiful you are? what beauty you can bring to the world? what life has in store for you?" These women saved my life - literally.

I am grateful for the men in my life. No boys allowed in this club - only men. My father was the first person I told about my divorce, and I was so scared at the time I wanted to throw up. But if ever a man could gather his daughter into his arms via phone - he did that. For me. And I will love him forever for that. My brothers have been there. My guy friends have shown me that it is possible to respect, love, and cherish a woman, especially one like me. And when I waver - they hold me steady, and when I need them, they've proven their shoulders are strong enough.

I am grateful to both my counselor and my teacher. They have encouraged and nurtured my independence and inquiring nature. So that now I can go out by myself and have an amazing time, learning something new or reclaiming something old about myself. They helped me find the "blues in my left thigh" :).

I am grateful to my dog. Sounds funny, but late at night, when it was too late to call anyone and vent, she sat on my chest, head on her paws, and was so still I was sure she was listening. No matter how spacey I've been, how late her breakfast is, or whether there has been an extreme lack of cookies - she always has a smile and a kiss for me. And she attempts to give hugs...but her arms are a bit too short...

Now that I'm listing this, I find that I could probably go on forever. :) And that is a beautiful thing.

For now, though, I have the urge to go out and embrace the day.

I love you and if I haven't told you so - thank you.

Yours,
Asha