There are two sides to me - the rational side and the irrational one. One seems to manifest more than the other during certain times of the month, and I usually can keep that in check. But things have been in upheaval for a while now, so irrational me has taken free reign...
What began as an honest opening of my heart is quickly becoming akin to sinking into quicksand. I actually dreamt about quicksand, maybe a couple of weeks before this all occurred. I had started thinking about the state of my romantic life, how it might be possible that it was stagnant because of my lack of cojones... I kept feeling like I wanted more than anything to reach out and instead I was sitting on my hands, battling with the fear.
And there is a lot of fear involved. Such a delicate situation... and through it I am starting to question my convictions. What kind of girl am I really? And, at this point in my evolution, am I really good for anyone?
Those are the thoughts that kept me up late last night, wondering what force was making me push so hard for some unknown response from someone who has already made their position clear. And the rational part of me both understands and respects that position...
That flip side of me though? She's dangerous... playing a dangerous game with her heart. Sometimes I split off and watch her - flirting, swaying, dreaming up impossible things. She throws herself into situations with abandon, with little or no regard for the fire she could get burned with. It's like she loves the fire, dancing closer and closer to it, regardless of how much it hurts.... I don't understand her really.
It worries me that I don't have control over her or this situation I'm in. I would say I am going with my instincts, but the truth is - I'm just going...hoping that somehow something will go right. I wonder both if I am losing myself or gaining more than I was...which outcome would be better. If I make this decision, will I be able to live with it?
My mind told me this morning - after a horrible bunch of worst-case scenario nightmares - to maybe lay off the blogging for a while... but I will never be ready for that close up of mine if, when it gets rough, when its too hard, too painful to look at, that I stop. The title for my blog has to do with my looking at myself under a lens, piece by piece, atom by atom, so that I can get a clearer picture of who I am. And right now, a lot of who I am is a whirlwind of feelings and emotions, both rational and irrational. Not always manifesting in sensical prose - sometimes coming off as a manic rant (see last blog :) ). But its honest. A very honest portrait of the woman I am becoming everyday...
I am capable of great love and undying loyalty. I am both extremely sensitive and protective of my heart. I send positive energies into the universe even as I feel the darkness edging into my soul... There are so many different contrasts to me that it would take an extremely special person to deal...
Not sure who the person will be, though I do know who I would like to take the job. Can't force it though, I have to remember that...
But hey, at least I warned you first :).
Believe.
-Asha
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