I think a lot about this "starting fresh" idea, where, in my current life, I am supposed to be starting from scratch, re-learning about myself, reconnecting with my ideas and hopes and dreams...
What I have realized is that change is hard when there is a 210lb elephant in the room. You can't hide it under the rug, push it into a junk drawer, shove it into the storage shed on your balcony...because eventually it will start to make noise, inevitably pissing you off.
I have tried very hard to be both reasonable and respectful of the upheaval in my life, but I have yet to gain control of my temper - especially when dealing with utter hypocrisy... I mean, you have a woman 100% devoted to you, you treat her dirty and abandon her, then someone else recognizes the gem you threw away and YOU get mad??? Sheesh - I always thought we women were hard to understand...
Then there is the other elephant in the room - the pink one. Hovering above our heads while we watch videos, me looking at you out of the corner of my eye, waiting for something - anything to happen, to prove that - yes I really did say it, and I meant what I said so for God's sake REACT!
I'm laughing at myself as I'm writing this, as I recognize situations I have placed myself in recently where there's been a darn elephant lurking around somewhere...
Really, it's not like a Voldemort situation, but it feels like it. I can say the words. Divorce. Love. Sex. Violence. How about this one: Rebound. That's the biggest one for me, because when I realized that it was love in my heart, making me feel all sparkley, everyone I told tried to tell me "girl, it's a rebound. You don't fall for the rebound!"
Too late. :) I never was one to follow the rules - at least pre-wedding. Then follows ten years of following all the rules, with no effect. Because its really hard to play a clean game of UNO with someone who doesn't know the rules, could give a fuck less about the rules, will play anyway they can as long as they come out on top, and by the way - can we change the name?
I used to avoid mirrors...and men...and fun for that matter. Because in my life, as much as I can call it my own, the number one spot was filled. Now, God is number one. Me - I'm number two. My family and friends share four and five - but I would really like to fill that number three spot.
Someone new in my life told me that I'm a "relationship girl", the kind of woman who needs a companion, because of my need to share and comfort, to make someone smile and feel special, to support, to hug, to dream with... I guess its okay that even in my current non-romantic relationships that is the role I take. I'm comfortable there - it feels right...
But at night when I'm alone and I am endlessly aware that my two-person bed has only one person in it, it hurts. A lot. This may have been the right choice, but it wasn't my choice. I hate that when I had every right to stand up for myself, I played the hopeful doormat instead. I hate that I cried so much...I hate that I felt three seconds of guilt for living my life fully...
Elephants...not my favorite animals. :)
So you could ask - then why do you drag one around with you everyday? Yes, my own personal elephant is mobile. Comes with me everywhere. Kind of looks like the me I used to be - docile, silent, colorless, like a ghost. She whispers to me...make sure you smile, make sure you shine, make sure you've made sure of everything, explored every possible consequence before you make a move, make sure you don't hurt any feelings, make sure you hold back a little so you don't get hurt, make sure that you're the first to walk away...
I hate that damn elephant. And all of the others that live in my apartment, that invade my life. In desperate need of an exorcism - somebody call a priest....
Love you guys -
Asha
No comments:
Post a Comment