I've been tossing around a lot of ideas for life changes the last few days, specifically trying to cement what exactly it is (who it is?) that I am done with. You know that feeling when you realize there are a lot of superfluous people in your life, you're not really sure how they all got there or what their role is, but you're starting to think they need to get the fuck out?
I was extremely happy about making new friends up here in Charlotte. Believe me, I miss my Miami friends, even the ones who don't live in Miami anymore, but being solamente up here in the Queen City was extra rough, especially after being abandoned...
But here's the thing. I know my heart can hold an infinite amount of love for these people. But it's been six months since my separation and I'm still having to retell the story to people who haven't contacted me in over a year but keep popping up into my life. Yeah I'm getting a divorce, no it doesn't make me warm and fuzzy, yes I still talk to him, no I don't need you to fly down there to bust any kneecaps, yes I'm sure, can we move on please?
Then there are those in my life, closer to me, who have begun to let me down a bit. I can feel the relationship changing, how it doesn't seem to fit as well anymore. Makes me nervous - I'm a lot stronger than I was six months ago, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to let those people go. What will I do without them? Am I ready to stand on my own two feet, stop clinging onto those hands and stride proudly into the unknown?
Big thing on my mind recently? Men. Damn them :). Because I know nothing about men, socializing, dating... kind of skipped all that, went straight for the "til death" business. I don't know how to flirt, how to score a date, how to know how long to wait until you get to the naked parts...cause I'm awfully partial to the naked parts. I'm exuding the confidence, but, apparently, also exuding the "Fuck off I'm taken" vibe.
But I'm not taken. Offered it - got denied. Free agent, at least in my head. Damn heart still feels otherwise, so I'm probably coming off as a tease of some sort. Flirty things come out of my mouth, unencumbered laughter, shit, I even wear the "single ladies" shoes... but when it comes to closing the deal, I stammer, act like I've got a big hulking boyfriend about to rush through the door, giggle, spaz out, and do an "Okay...well...bye!"
Sheesh.
This single shit is not for the faint of heart. Girls, I don't know how you do it.
Had a conversation with a guy (very nice, very taken so he was easy to talk to) who told me that I am a "relationship girl". Specifically, he said that someone like me shines extra bright with the right companion... I know that my peeps are telling me I need to be on my own for a while, learn me, take care and heal...but dammit I'm built a certain way and too much "me-time" makes me crazy.
I want to be in love.
I want to hear love words whispered in my ears. I want strong arms wrapped around me. I want to smile and feel like "yeah, I could take you in a fight, but this guy right here? He'd break your arms off if you tried anything.". I want to reach over in the middle of the night and put my cold feet on warm legs. I want to snuggle close. I want to cook him dinner, pour my heart into his plate and know that he recognizes the gift. I want to look over at him in a crowded room and smile over a shared private joke. I want to be pulled into the rain and kissed... I feel like I have all this love, gift-wrapped and waiting to be given away to the "right" man...but so far, I'm 0-2 here.
So I stand on the precipice, not knowing what will happen when I shoot myself over the edge, scared to death and impatient at the same time. I need to make room in my life (even though some days it feels like I have nothing BUT room) for whatever is being sent my way. Knock off the deadwood, strip myself to the new, and be ready for a fresh start - no baggage, no expectations.
As for the old, the useless, the people in my life who bring nothing but misery to the table, who, despite my best efforts, refuse to see what is right in front of their faces, to those who see the beauty but lack the courage to claim it - I'm sorry for you. I hurt for your loss. I break a little...
But I'm done.
Iri'ni.
-Asha
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